Humor # 14
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace."Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven.You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment.Is there anything which your holiness desires?""Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there, perhaps, any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over..."There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibrate, not celibate!
Four Chutes
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment."Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
A Variety of Wisdoms
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
Editors Note:
I was laying in bed last night looking at the stars...then I thought, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
THE CAT FLAP
"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany. "I suppose that the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that."
Burpus
Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys. "I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled.After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously' and left me there.""People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'very good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM3,000 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted."(Vancouver Sun)
Deep thoughts
A penguin can swim a lot faster than a salmon.
The "cycle" in "bicycle" and "tricycle" rhymes with "pickle," but the "cycle" in "motorcycle" and "unicycle" rhymes with "Michael." Explain that.
Small men love big women. So proclaimed the German philosopher Schopenhauer. He convinced generations. Modern surveys prove him wrong. But the notionpersists. When a small man teams up with a big woman, it's the exception, but you do take notice. Schopenhauer also averred a man with a short nose prefers a woman with a long nose. He didn't get any closer to the truth with that one.
Men walk from the knee. Women walk from the hip.
A second century Roman writer named Apuleis was hauled into court for wooing a rich widow by feeding her lobsters, oysters and cuttlefish. These, it was believed by his prosecutors, were sexual stimulants. They didn't have a lewd and lascivious conduct charge for this sort of thing. It was supposed to excite the widow. They called that sorcery.
Sprinkle salt on a garden slug and it will dissolve. Not the salt. The slug.
Rules for cats who have a house to run:
1. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered a door to the outside opened, stand halfway in and out and think about the weather out there for a while. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
2. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. Never use the tile floor or a throw rug. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's foot.
3. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
4. A NOISE IN THE KITCHEN: If you hear any type of noise in the kitchen, especially an can opener run there as fast as possible. If you walk in and out of your human's legs and rub on them looking really cute, they will have to give you a treat.
5. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", although humans will call it "hampering".Following are the rules for helping:
a. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c. For sewing projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or sewing needles. You can also be very helpful by puling their straight pins out of their project one by one. This will be very helpful, since it took them so long to put them in "just right". The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
d. Quilt frames make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. Also, unfinished quilts are very soft to sleep on and the batting sticking out makes a great toy. You can help by shredding the batting to make it softer.
e. For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When the move you, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils and erasers off the table one at a time.
f. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to be scared.
6. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs. This is always a must if they have something in their arms, they are in the dark, or when they first get up in the morning and don't have on their glasses. This will help their coordination skills.
7. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so she/he cannot move around. This keeps them really warm and they will like it. They won't move you because they won't want to disturb your sleep
Skiing
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect. 12 below,no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when w e're having fun" kind of day.One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for femaleskiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vistafor the other skiers.
The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously brokenleg was put in the bed next to hers.
"So. how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk."It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hangingout of her clothes and pants down around her knees." "I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."
"So, how'd you break your arm?"
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001