Humor # 13

You don't have to a cat lover to appreciate this one.

"Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function." - Unknown

~~~ HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL ~~~ by Peggy Althoff

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp, and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

- - Advice on English usage:

1) Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

2) For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord

3) The beatings will continue until morale improves

4) Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

5) If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

6) If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have todrown, too?

7) Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

8) Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark

9) Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

10) Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

11) My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

12) <---------- the information went dataway ----------->

13) BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding

14) As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

15) Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

16) Does fuzzy logic tickle?

17) RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure

18) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

19) Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

20) Hit any user to continue.

21) Disk full. Press F1 to belch.

22) (A)bort, ( R)etry, (G)et a beer?

23) Madness takes its toll, please have exact change.

English Lessons

Let's face it-English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in whichyour house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Reminds me of the oxymorons...Jumbo shrimp, honest crook, etc...

e-mail: mturcott@netrover.com

... Laughter: The shortest distance between two people

*The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.

*The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.

*They have no memory of a time before M-TV.

*"New Wave" is their PARENTS musical generation.

*Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, the Kinks, the Sex Pistols -- are all old music they have heard of, if they have heard of it at all.

*They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.

*They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

*If they have heard the name "Oliver North," it was probably as a losing Congressional candidate, or perhaps in some obscure survey history text's reference, such as might be made to Huey Long or Teapot Dome.

*Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

*Their world has always included AIDS.

*Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can romanticize the 1970s.

*They see "Family Ties" as something middle aged ladies watch.

*They watched "Star Wars" years ago, when they were kids -- on video.

*Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes; they may have heard OF an 8-track, but probably never actually seen (or heard one).

*From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and threw away.

*As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.

*The oil crisis is history of which they probably know nothing --and why anyone WOULDN'T buy a suburban is beyond them.

*Most of them have probably never seen a real nun, even if they went to Catholic schools.

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a childs whispered, "Hello?". Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes." whispered the small voice."May I talk with him?" the man asked.To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No.". Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes.", came the answer."May I talk with her?"Again the small voice whispered, "No."Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child."Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,"May I speak with the policeman?""No, he is busy." whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss."Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman." came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?""A hello-copper." answered the whispering voice."What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They are looking for me!"

Hey, it's sad what happened to these two guys, but sometimes Nature culls the herd just fine!

Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the George Amphitheater after the show.Uhlenake was in a pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbedand his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene.According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink.Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7-foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneaking in. They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later. They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7-foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23-foot drop on the other side.Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23-foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground.Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife. The "soft" bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. Healso had the misfortune of landing his posterior squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself through his anus. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain.Enter his friend Robert Uhlenake, who had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pulling him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs.Again, despite his state, he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck, and subsequently died of internal injuries."So that's how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be," said Commissioner Appleton.This is another [supposed recent] addition to the infamous Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards are given to those that have eliminated themselves from the gene pool so that we can all eventually evolve into normal, rational creatures.

Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001