Humor #10
THE SAGA OF MANAGEMENT REVIEW OF WRITING STYLE
Question: How many feet do mice have? Original reply: Mice have four feet.
Mgmt. Comment: Elaborate!
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Mgmt. Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage!
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is a tail.
Mgmt. Comment: What? Feet with no legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet and one tail per unit-mouse.
Mgmt. Comment: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
Mgmt. Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.
Mgmt. Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful? NO!
Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be: Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
Mgmt. Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity!
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature.
Mgmt. Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet.
Resume Bloopers from Robert Half: (These are real examples from real resumes)
* Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
* Responsibility makes me nervous.
* They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
* Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
* I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
* The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
* While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
* I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
* Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
* My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
* I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
* Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
* Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
* Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
* Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
* Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
* I'm a rabid typist.
* Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
Rural Computer Lingo
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off : Don't add any more wood.
Monitor: Keep an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin' (watch th' toes!).
Floppy Disk: Whatcha get from pilin' too much firewood.
Disk Operating System: The equipment the Doc uses when you have a floppy disk.
RAM: The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in mud season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in mud season.
Windows: What to shut when it's 30 below.
Screen: What you need for black fly season.
Byte: What black flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.
Infrared: Where the leftovers go when Fred's around.
Modem: What you did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: John Matrix's wife.
Printer: Someone who can't write in cursive.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where you hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
486: One of them fancy imported cars.
Mouse: What eats the horses' grain in the barn.
Main Frame: The part of the barn that holds the roof up.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in!
Random Access Memory: When you suddenly can't remember how much that new rifle costs when your wife asks.
Digital: Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.
Apple: If you don't know what an apple is, I ain't tellin'.
Program: What's on the TV when there's reception.
CD ROM: The place in the bank where they sell retirement accounts.
Thanks to Denisey20 for this contribution
Mom's Brownies
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no." Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
FROSTING
Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the teddy bear out of the broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.
Put Jr in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
Vatican Debate
A long time ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.The Jews realized that they had no choice. So, they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First, I held up three fingers torepresent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
TOP TEN REASONS WHY WINDOWS 98 WAS DELAYED
Extra time to code the Windows 3.1 upgrade path? Yeah, right. Here are the real reasons Windows 98 was delayed:
10. It's a leap year
9. All the programmers are busy working on The House
8. Want to coincide Windows 98 marketing efforts with the '98 Olympics
7. The compiler crashed, had to restart it
6. Not enough paper on hand to print the companion book, "Windows 98 Patches and Fixes"
5. "If we just wait until 2000, we won't have to worry about the millennium bug at all..."
4. Need to erase all the Norton antivirus code that's still in there
3. Not enough disk space on CD-ROMs--need to wait for DVD technology
2. Just discovered Netscape Communicator 4.0 runs perfectly-- need time to correct that
1. "Windows 99" just sounds cooler
Priorities
A man receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium-he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies no.Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967.""Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
Actual dialog of a fired WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.",
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
...."Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
...."Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
."Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001