Humor #9
WAYS TO DESCRIBE OUR MORE CEREBRALLY CHALLENGED FRIENDS (how to say someone is a bit stupid -- sayings beginning P-Z)
Paged/swapped out.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
Pedalling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
Permanently out to lunch.
Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
Playing hockey with a warped puck.
Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
Plays solitaire... for cash.
Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later.
Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
Proof that evolution *can* go in reverse.
Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.
Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like
Putting a pea on a six lane highway.
Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
Receiver is off the hook.
Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
Reset line is glitching.
Result of a first cousin marriage.
Room for rent, unfurnished.
RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
Running at 300 baud.
Running on empty.
Running U.S. appliances on British current.
Runs squares around the competition.
Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
Sailboat fuel for brains.
Sat under the ozone hole too long.
Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
Short a few cards.
Short-circuited between the earphones.
Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing.
Single-sided, low density.
Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
Slinky's kinked.
Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
Slow as molasses in January.
Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
So dumb, he faxes face up.
So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
So slow he has to speed up to stop.
So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
Some bugs in his software.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Some pages missing.
Someone blew out his pilot light.
Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
Someone let the air out of her lock.
Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
Source code is missing a few lines.
Stocksy-babes (a truly vile British-slang insult).
Strong like bull, smart like streetcar.
Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
Teflon brain -- nothing sticks.
The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
The butter slipped off his noodle.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
The going got weird, and he turned pro.
The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. -- Woody Allen
Thick as a brick.
Thinks at 5 baud.
Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
Thinks e=mc^2 is a rap star.
thinks in lower case and types accordingly
Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease.
Three chickens short of a henhouse.
Too many birds on her antenna.
Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Top paddock is full of rocks.
Toys in the attic.
Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.
Traveling aster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
Two bits shy of a word.
Two chapters short of a novel.
Two degrees off square.
Two inches taller than spherical.
Two pages short of a novel.
Two saucers short of a tea-service.
Two sheep short of a sweater.
Two socks short of a pair.
Two suits short of a full deck (a half-wit).
Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
Useful as tits on a bull /boar-hog.
Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
Vacancy on the top floor.
Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
Wasn't strapped in during launch.
Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.
Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench.
With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
Zero K memory.
"There are three kinds of memory: Good, bad, and convenient."
Politicians are like diapers. They both should be changed often. And for the same reason!
An Artistic Personality Test
On a blank piece of paper draw a pig.
It spoils it if you scroll all the way down before sketching.
YOU MUST NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU DRAW YOUR PICTURE. NO CHEATING, NOW.
YOU WILL FIND THIS MORE INTERESTING IF YOU DRAW YOUR PICTURE FIRST!
So, on a blank piece of paper draw a pig. Then scroll down and read the interpretation of your pig!!
C'mon, Draw your pig first! And don't look at the next part until you are done! It won't be fun if you look first.
The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer.
If the pig is drawn:Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic. Toward the middle, you are a realist.Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave negatively.
Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates (birthdays, etc.)Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates.Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful. With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for details and are a risk-taker.
With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through a period of major change.With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals.The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger the better.The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life. (And again more is better!)
Gord says my favorite poster in a library read:
"Libraries will get you through times without money better than money will get you through times without libraries."
Alexis van Lutsenburg Maas sends some one liners:
I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.
This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulance or a firetruck.
The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.
The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.
From Mmcxii who received it from M. T. Kerns:
After the Great Britian Beer Festival, in London, all thebrewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from corona sits down and says "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke."The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
A joke those of you with young kids may appreciate:
One day a space shuttle crashed to the ground in the yard of a Kindergarten. When he finally struggled out of the wreckage, the astronaut shouted, "I'm free! I'm free!!!"At this point, one of the little children standing there shouted back, "Big deal, I'm four!"
In memory. Marti's collection of Mother Teresa Quotes
Intense love does not measure; it just gives.
Little things are indeed little, but to be faithful in little things is a great thing.
The world today is hungry not only for bread but hungry for love; hungry to be wanted, to be loved.
Before you speak, it is necessary for you to listen, for God speaks in the silence of the heart.
We have been created to love and to be loved.
Do not allow yourselves to be disheartened by any failure as long as you have done your best.
We must make our homes centers of compassion and forgive endlessly.
If we really want to love we must learn how to forgive.
If we pray, we will believe; If we believe, we will love; If we love, we will serve.
We can do no great things; only small things with great love.
Comments, send to Cheryl Rogers - smiles@bapp.com
Genie
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one."The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. Basically, what makes them tick."The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
Legal Questions
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, hedoesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes."Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes."Q: "How many were boys?"A: "None.."Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"A: "I went to Europe, Sir."Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death."Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood."
VANITY PLATES Thanks to PAULA in NH
Plate: ICNCYDU Meaning: I see inside you, a radiologist's plate
Plate: CYIMBRK Meaning: See Why I'm broke, found on a cherry 95 ford 3/4 ton truck
Plate: OH2B39 Meaning A woman in her early 50's has had this plate for about the last ten years
Plate: YURNEXT Meaning: On the car of an undertaker
Plate: 1DFOAL Meaning: Wonderful on a Ford Mustang. Get it? Foal as in baby horse
Plate: 2PCME Meaning: To pee, see me! Urologist's plate
Plate: 2QT4U Meaning: Too cute for you, the driver was a beautiful woman driving
Plate: 4SAFETY Meaning: on a Volvo, what else?
Plate: 6ISENUF Meaning: "6 is enough". 6 kids is enough
Plate: 80 INCH Meaning: Yes, this guy is vain, but he's not exaggerating. The 80 inch refers to the 80 inch motor on a '82 Harley Davidson
Plate: 9MPGWOW Meaning: 9 Miles Per Gallon, Wow! On a 1966 Cadillac Sedan DeVille
Plate: AV8RX Meaning: Aviator-X. Wife of a pilot who is also a pilot
Plate: GO TPLS Meaning: Go Topless! On a 1968 Camaro Convertible
Owner has been flashed on warm evenings Plate: KPASAMDK
Meaning: (Que) Pasa MD, What's up doc?
Plate: NOMODO Meaning: No More Dough, on a Veerrrry expensive car
Plate: OL FART Meaning: The loving family presented the old fart with a new plate for his 95 911 Porsche
Plate: PP DR Meaning: This plate belongs to a urologist in the Detroit area
Plate: PULN GS Meaning: Pulling Gs, on a 300ZX
Plate: EX WIFE Meaning: That says it all and was on an old Volvo
Plate: 2ND WIFE Meaning: On a new Mercedes
Plate: 3RD WIFE Meaning: On a beat up Ford
Plate: MYREVNG Meaning: My Revenge (Divorcee)
Plate: HESMINE Meaning: On a Porsche driven by a male model
Plate: TOOLONG Meaning: On a Lincoln super-long limo owned by Super Limousine Seattle, WA
Plate: W8N4FRI Meaning: Waitin' for Friday...join the club!
Plate: WNDWS95 Meaning: Windows 95, On a customized 95 Chevy Astro Van
Plate: XITHWY1 Meaning: Exit Highway 1. a trucker's plate, Highway 1 was old CB slang for trucker heaven
Plate: XKWIZIT Meaning: Exquisite, on a '56 speedster
Plate: ZMEGOBYU Meaning: See me go by you!
Plate: CME4AD8 Meaning: See me for a date
Plate: CME4DK Meaning: See me for decay, on a dentist's car
Plate: CME4LUV Meaning: See me for love, Dr. Ruth Westheimer's car?
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001