Humor #8

ACTUAL "DEAR ABBY" EXCERPTS!

DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid- twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?.....

DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is his hobby......

DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his......

DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him......

DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.......

DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?.....

DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?.....

DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?.....

DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy......

DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober......

DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it......

DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause......

DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting officer......

DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can get?

GERTIE.

DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?.....

DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He says he's saving for a rainy day. -FORTY YEARS HITCHED.

DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining!.....

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?

-CAROL.

DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie......

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible? -KAY.

DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work......

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?

-WONDERING.

DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it......

DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much? -CURIOUS.

DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do......

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? -JAKE.

DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous......

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? -ANNIE.

DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it......

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?

-SAM IN CAL..

DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office......

DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write? -TED.

DEAR TED: The Internal Revenue Service......

DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I've heard a lot about you"?

-RITA.

DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard......

:DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.

-ROSE.

DEAR ROSE: So would I......

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? -BESS.

DEAR BESS: Night and Day.

I offer the following without further comment.

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available.If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR

KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY

Are you terrified of your computer? Do you feel out of place andoverwhelmed when your friends or coworkers start spouting reams and reams of technical jargon that you will never understand? Then this article is for you! We'll help you get over your fear of technical terminology by tickling your funny bone. We'll start with some definitions that SHOULD be true, and we hope are entertaining.

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a P.C.State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your State-of-the-art-computerto become obsolete.

Syntax Error - Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.

GUI (pronounced gooey) - What your computer becomes after spilling yourcoffee on it.

Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantitieswhile programming.

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work athome, on vacation and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001