Humor #7

Part 1 August 7, 1997 (Seattle) -- Microsoft announced today that it will provide office furniture with its software. The next release of windows, code named Naugahyde, will include the Microsoft Chair at no extra charge. "This is a natural for us," a Microsoft spokesperson said. "We've conquered the desktop, so we're looking at way of expanding our installed base." The spokesperson denied accusations that bundling constitutes an unfair competitive advantage. "We're just listening to our customers. They've asked for more built in features, and who doesn't use a chair when they're at their computer? Especially when they're waiting for Windows to reboot." Beta testers noted its large footprint and found the chair to lack substantial features found in most of the competition. But when asked if they dislike it enough to purchase another vendor's furniture, most stated that they would just take what Microsoft had to offer. Also in the works is a small seat, dubbed the Microsoft Stool, soon to be bundled with laptops. Beta testers were surprised to find the backless chair at their doorsteps. "Then again, it's not the first time we've received a shrink-wrapped stool sample from Microsoft," noted one breathless customer.

Part 2 INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners.You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights).You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.Set the oven using these keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//> Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme> If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking. Also check to make sure the directory "/usr/local/nuke_it/bin" is in your path, and that the environment variable MCWV_PWR is set to 700 Watts. Then press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: <ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap> This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty.These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners.Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug.Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

By this certificate know ye that.......THE BEARER IS A LIFETIME MEMBER IN GOOD STANDING IN THE SOCIETY OF CHILDLIKE GROWNUPS AND IS HEREBY ENTITLED TO:

Walk in the rain,

Jump in mud puddles,

Collect rainbows,

Smell flowers,

Blow bubbles, ooOoOoO

Stop along the way,

Build sandcastles,

Watch the moon and stars come out,

Say HELLO to everyone,

Go barefoot,

Go on adventures,

Sing in the shower,

Have a Merry heart,

Read children's books,

Act silly,

Take bubble baths,

Get new sneakers,

Hold hands & hug & kiss,

Dance,

Fly Kites,

Laugh out loud and cry out loud,

Wander around,

Wonder (???) about stuff,

Feel SCARED & sad ;-( & MAD & Happy,

Give up worry & guilt & shame,

Stay innocent,

Say yes and no and the magic words,

Ask lots of questions,

Ride bicycles,

Draw and paint and color,

See things differently,

Fall down and get up again,

Talk with animals,

Look at the sky,

Trust the universe,

Stay up late,

Climb trees,

Take naps,

Do nothing,

Daydream,

Play with toys,

Buy fast food toys.. (happy meals!!) Play under the covers,

Have pillow fights,

Learn new stuff,

Get excited about EVERYTHING,

Be a clown,

Listen to music,

Find out how things work,

Make up new rules,

Tell stories,

Save the world,

Make friends,

And do anything that brings more:

Happiness, celebration, relaxation,

communication, health, love, joy,

creativity, pleasure, abundance,

grace, self-esteem, courage,

balance, spontaneity, passion, peace,

beauty, and life energy to all humans and beings of this planet.

FURTHERMORE, the above named member is officially authorized to frequent amusement parks, beaches, meadows, mountaintops, swimming pools, forests, playgrounds, picnic areas, summer areas, summer camps, birthday parties, happy meal purchasers (great toys!!), circuses, bakeries, ice cream parlors, theaters, aquariums, zoos, museums, planetariums, toy stores, festivals and other places where children of all ages gather to play and is encouraged to always remember the motto of THE SOCIETY OF CHILDLIKE GROWNUPS:

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD,AND TO MAKE SURE THAT OTHERS DO TOO!

Thanks to Ronnie M for this contribution

DRIVING HUMOR

OTHER DRIVERS

Why is it that when most people drive everyone going slower than they are is a moron, and those going faster are maniacs?

LADY DRIVERS

A lady driver was stopped by a motorcycle cop and said to him bitterly, "If I was speeding, so were you!"

The clerk at the motor vehicle bureau asked the lady applicant, "Have you ever driven before?"The lady said, "Fifty thousand miles, but not from the front seat!"

One lady driver said it all. "The thing I hate most about parking is that noisy crash!"

HOW INDEED

My daughter asked me one time, "Daddy, before you married Mommie, who told you how to drive?"

NEVER TOUCHED HER

A policeman arrives at the scene of what looks like a bad accident. There's a pedestrian lying, unmoving, in the crosswalk. The driver of the car nearby says, "I swear, I never touched her. I saw her at the crosswalk and came to a complete stop. I smiled and waved for her to cross, and she fainted."

A BIRD-WATCHER'S GUIDE TO MOTORISTS

Gleeful Splatter-dasher: Loves to douse pedestrians.

Head-turning Chatterbird: Seldom keeps his eyes front.

Hill-passing Swift: Ignores "No Passing" signs on hills.

Migratory Weaverbird: Constantly jumps lanes in traffic.

Ruffle-fendered Tail-gater: Bears marks of too-close contact.

Addlepated Honker: Always sounds off without reason.

Nocturnal Dimwit: Drives in the dark with parking lights.

Torpid Highway Creeper: A menace to all other road runners.

One-eyed Nighthawk: Ignores his burned-out headlight.

Gawking Booby: Gazes around while driving. [A species related to the Head-turning Chatterbird, above]

Crosswalk Creeper: Can't resist cheating on the takeoff.

Unfortunately, these species are not extinct, so while you're driving, keep a sharp lookout for these

Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001