Humor #6
FOUND! LOST DIARIES OF NOAH
At least according to South Africa's "People" magazine dated April 11 to May 1. According to the article the diaries were "found in an ancient ship-like wreck about 32 kms from Mount Ararat" "immediately below the mountain of Al Judi, named by the Koran as the final resting place of the Ark" by Professor Horace Ventor (no origin or organization given) and Dr Vito Fontes "a leading Italian archaeologist and linguistic expert".
425 b.c. Day One
Dear Diary,
First day at sea. Whew! Just made it under the wire. The animals seem happy, but the lions and tigers are beginning to become restless, and it was a bad idea to put the rhinos, hippos and elephants on the starboard side, and the birds, insects, gerbils and hamsters port. Took some work to 'straighten" that one out, har har. Too tired to talk to God tonight. (Get Him started about the furies of His judgment, and He just goes on and on...) So, off to bed...
425 b.c. Day Three
Dear Diary,
Rain has stopped, finally, and there's not a whole lot of land left to see. Saw a whole village's worth of people, all tied together in a pitiful attempt to save their own lives through common struggle. Sure glad I read those books about building my own shelter and surviving the Apocalypse; now if I can figure out what "canned rations" and "ferroconcrete bunkers" mean, I'll be in business. Shem lost his left hand to one of the lions yesterday. God provided food, all right: a thick, mealy white powder that you could almost eat if you added a little salt water. The budgies didn't like it, though, and the koala bears kept yelping for fresh eucalyptus leaves.
425 b.c. Day Seven
Dear Diary,
Time to sweep the decks. No time to write.
425 b.c. Day Seventeen
Dear Diary,
God decided to "help" by giving my the power to understand the animals' speech. Imagine over fifteen thousand married couples, forced to live in cramped and confined conditions, squabbling over how much yummy white powder mixed with sea water they get to have. They also whine about how good they used to have it, on the green earth, eating trees and nuts and berries and each other. Can't sleep at night.
425 b.c. Day Twenty-Two
Dear Diary,
Got so sick of white powder that we skinned and ate the unicorns. This caused quite a ruckus in the equestrian section, and morale among the cows and chickens has sunk to a new low. God has helped the situation somewhat by confusing the thoughts of the higher primates, thus keeping them from undoing the knots on their cages. Only problem is that they know they're being kept from thinking, and all I hear are anguished cries of "What are they doing to us?" Meat was stringy anyway, and tasted like sandal thongs.
425 b.c., Day Thirty
Dear Diary
Can't sleep. Can't eat. Quelled mutiny by executing the centaurs as an example. Oldest son has developed strange religious beliefs based upon the frustrated mating cycles of our hyenas. Sight of humpbacked whale off port bow excited animals into thinking that God had sent it to destroy me and my family. Daughters are tempting me with their wicked ways. The night has a thousand phantoms that torment my soul.
425 b.c., Day Thirty-Eight
Dear Diary,
I can't be-LEEVE what happened today. You know Bobby Forester,that rilly cute guy in chemistry class? Get this: he walked over to where Sondra and I were talking, and he asked me out to the new James Dean movie with him! God, can you be-LEEVE it? Sondra was mortified! (And I know she digs guys with motorcycles, like, you know she went to see "Wild One" something like twenty jillion times? She's gonna grow up to be a skag, doncha know...) So now she's mad a me, but I gotta get some new crinolines because my old ones got chocolate syrup poured on them last week at the drive-in, so....
425 b.c. Day Thirty-Nine
Dear Diary,
Becoming steadily less connected with day-to-day matters. Read yesterday's entry: thought someone else had written it. Had vision of strange birds. Have forgotten what land looks like. See no hope: God has forsaken me. Tomorrow I shall go into the hold and begin putting the animals out of their misery, and ending this charade once and for all. I shall begin with the gryphons and dragons.
Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?
Favorite Food: Dogs: kibbles; Computers: bits
Method used to end undesirable behavior: Dogs(D): hit with rolled up newspaper; Computers(C): hit control-alt-delete
After destruction of personal property:D: dog not found; C: file not found
Favorite trick: D: roll over; C: play dead
Comic-page hero: D: Dogbert; C: Dilbert
Fun way to mess with their heads: D: peanut butter on roof of mouth; C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive
Consequence of virus: D: replace valuable carpeting; C: replace valuable data
Widely ignored government mandate: D: leash law; C: Communications Decency Act
Waste disposal tool: D: pooper-scooper; C: uninstaller
Sensitive internal procedures: D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional; C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one kind of like this once
Method of marking territory: D: lifting leg; C: "Designed for Windows 95"
Unique behavior: D: lick and drag; C: click-and-drag
Inexplicable physical feature: D: dewclaw; C: scroll lock key
Estimated lifespan: D: 12 years; C: 12 months
At end of useful life: D: euthanasia; C: tax deduction
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF...
Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
The Sun is too loud.
Trees begin chasing you.
You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
You can hear mimes.
You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
Things becomes "Very Clear".
You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
You and Reality file for divorce.
You can skip without a rope.
It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
You can travel without moving.
Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before...
Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.
Things Noted On REAL Resumes - REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
- I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse
- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
- I'm a rabid typist.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001