Humor #5
Homo sapiens barbiensis
If this isn't the funniest thing you hear this month, then I will personally devour whatever I yank from my bathtub drain:The story behind this...
Apparently, there is a nutball who digs things out of his back yard and sends his "discoveries" to the Smithsonian Institution, labeling them with scientific names and insisting they are actual archeological finds. The bizarre truth is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time. What follows is a letter from the Smithsonian Institution in response to his submission of a recently discovered specimen.
=========================================== Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institution
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institution, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie."
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated canine (dog) than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
A ninety year old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears, the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five year old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunch time, she comes home and we make love again after which she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me fantastic oral sex, the best a man could ever want. Then at supper time, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers, again, through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
In honor of all the freshmen headed off to college. High School Vs College
25. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
24. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
23. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.
22. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide.
21. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.
20. In high school, you have to live with your parents In college, you get to live with your friends.
19. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
18. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)
17. In high school, you're told what classes to take.In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.
16. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.
15. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
14. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.
13. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down.
12. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
11. In college, weekends start on Thursday.
10. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
9. Once you've obtained the information described in #10, it's much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."
8. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
7. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.
6. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
5. College men are cuter than high school boys.
4. College women are legal.
3. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip....uh, sick that day.
2. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.
1. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.
COLLEGE "BURGER JOINT" CONVERSATIONS FROM AROUND THE NATION
MIT: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend." "Have some fries."
Caltech:"I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend." "Have some fries."
Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today." "Have some fries."
Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith." "Cool! Me too! Have some fries."
Swarthmore: "I got a B." "Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."
Princeton: "My father took away my porsche this weekend." "Poor dear. Have some escargot."
Harvard:"Did you do anything this weekend?" "Nope. Have some fries."
Williams:"Don't I know you?" "Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."
Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend." "Bummer. Have some fries."
Vassar: "I'm so stressed and by the way, I'm gay." "Ditto. Have some fries."
Columbia:"I wish that I could be eating these fries at a better school." "Me too. Let's go get shot."
Penn: "I wish that I could be eating these fries at a better school." "Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."
Stanford:"Dude, I have so much work this weekend." "Like, chill out dude. Have some fries."
Dartmouth:"Oh, man, I got so trashed this weekend. It was awesome." "Have some beer."
Wellesley:"God I'm desperate." "Me too. Have some fries."
Miami(Fla.): "I hear another tourist got shot" "Yeah, sucks. Have another Bean Burrito."
Georgetown: "I hooked up this weekend." "Have some fries."
HAND! Have A Nice Day!
Comments, send to Cheryl Rogers - smiles@bapp.com We hope you enjoy this list!
Uplinked On 11/25/97