Humor #4
MICROSOFT - THE NEXT GENERATION (A lost Star Trek episode) - - -
Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?" Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." [Geordi presses a key; a logo appears on the computer screen] Riker: [puzzled] "What the hell is Microsoft'?" Data: "Allow me to explain. We will send this obscure virus program, called Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate." Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter heir processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" Data: "Yes, Captain. But when Windows' detects this, it will create a new version of itself known as an upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually, all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal functions." Picard: "Excellent! This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
[15 Minutes Later]
\Data: "Captain, we have successfully installed Windows' in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade'." Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade' to compensate for their increase." Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed." Data "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards." Riker: "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin Emergency Escape Sequence 3F." Geordi [excitedly]: "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!" Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?" Data [studying displays] "Apparently, the Borg have found the internal Windows' module named Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU capacity." Picard: "Let's wait and see how long this Solitaire' can reduce their functionality." [Two hours later] Riker: "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?" Geordi: "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to ompensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more Windows' modules from something called the Microsoft Fun-pack'. Picard: "How much time will that buy us?" Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours." [A time-space "wormhole" appears on the central monitor, and disgorges a large, intimidating spacecraft] Geordi: "Captain, a vessel from another time-period has entered our sector." Picard: "Identify." Data: "Interesting... It appears to have markings similar to the 'Microsoft logo. They are approaching the Borg ship."
[Over speaker]
"ATTENTION, ALIEN VESSEL! THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."Data: "Captain, the alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects." Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!" Riker: "My God, Captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship -- with no life support suits! How can they survive exposure to space?" Data: "I don't believe those are humans, sir. If you will look closer, you will see they are carrying twenty-first-century doeskin leather briefcases,and wearing Armani suits." Riker and Picard [in unison, horrified]: "Lawyers!" Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017, during the Great Awakening." Data: "True -- but apparently, some must have survived." Riker: "Look -- they have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers." Data:"I believe that was known in ancient vernacular as red tape'. It often proved fatal." Riker:"Its tearing the Borg ship to pieces!" Picard: "Turn the monitors off, Data -- I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg don't deserve such a gruesome fate."
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET... MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET... WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
MASS: Average 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
How to keep a woman happy
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, ervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO KEEP A MAN HAPPY
Show up naked.
James Shearer contributes more thoughts on keeping a man happy: 25 Rules For Women
1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J.Crew or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never work as a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Making love on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of conversation afterward is not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001