Humor #3
Beer Facts Courtesy of Pete's Wicked Ale....
It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" - or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. so in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer". After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts.In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. when they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In the middle ages, "nunchion" was the word for liquid lunches. It was a combination of the words "noon scheken", or noon drinking. In those days, a large chunk of bread was called lunch. So if you ate bread with your nunchion,you had what we still today call a luncheon.
An assortment from David & Virginia:
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight." The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once.""George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?" "Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374? "No, It's 223-1375." "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number." There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
A woman explained to a psychiatrist that her husband thought he was the Lone Ranger. The psychiatrist asked, "How long has this been going on?" "About twenty years.""Bring him in. I'll cure him." The woman nodded and said, "I guess it's the right thing to do. But Tonto is so good with the children!"
Ole and Lena had just crawled into bed on night when the phone started to ring. Ole got up to answer it: "How in the world should I know, that's a thousand miles away!" he exclaimed before slamming down the receiver. "Who was that, Ole?" asked a puzzled Lena. "I don't have any idea, Lena, " said Ole. "Some guy wanted to know if the coast is clear."
The Top 10 Surprise Revelations from the UN Earth Summit
10. Just what we all suspected: the highly endangered Komodo Dragon tastes like chicken.
9. In ten years, the lease is up and the Earth goes back to the Chinese.
8. Clinton is stunned to learn that strip mining isn't a nudie card game.
7. Effects of nuclear winter can be reversed by giving Roger Ebert a can of beans.
6. Warring countries agree to post sign: "Second Hand Nerve Gas Kills."
5. "Greenhouse effect" replaced by more pleasant-sounding "sauna effect."
4. Oddly enough, global warming gets worse during the Summer.
3. It's a world of laughter, a world of tears; it's a world of hope and a world of fears.
2. At a conference on saving endangered whales, President Clinton kept asking all the women if they'd like to see him free Willy.
and the Number 1 Surprise Revelation from the UN Earth Summit ...
1. It's round.
Three construction workers sat on the edge of an unfinished skyscraper while eating their lunch. The first one opened his lunchbox and said, "Tuna Fish! If I get Tuna Fish one more time, I'm going to jump!". Then the second fellow opened his lunchbox and said, "Ham! If I get a ham sandwich one more time, I'm going to jump as well!". Then the third guy opened his lunchbox and said, "Peanut Butter! If I get a peanut butter sandwich one more time I'm going to jump, too!"
The next day, the three workers, sat again on the edge of the skyscraper to eat their lunch.
The first one opened his lunchbox and said, "Tuna Fish! That's it!" and he jumped off the skyscraper and died. The second fellow opened his lunchbox and said, "Ham!" and he jumped off the skyscraper and died. The third guy opened his lunchbox and said, "Peanut Butter!" and he jumped off the skyscraper and died.
At their funerals the three widows of the construction workers talked together. The first one's widow cried, "I wish to God I had never made that sandwich!" The second fellow's widow sobbed, "If only he had told me!" The third guy's widow said, "It's his own fault, he makes his own sandwiches..."
Sent in by Alex Rubins:
Two six-year olds decided to get married. The young boy told his father of his plans. "How do you plan to live? It costs money to maintain a family," asked his father. "I get an allowance of fifty cents a week, and she gets an allowance,too, " he replied. "But what if there`s a baby? That costs even more," countered the father. "Bite your tongue, Pop. So far, we`ve been lucky."
A famous actor`s son was asked to write a composition in school on the topic of "poor people." The child wrote, "Once there was a poor family. The father was poor. The mother was poor. The children were poor. The butler was poor. The maid was poor. The chauffeur was poor..........."
A ham actor was appearing in his first melodrama. Late in the first scene, the actor made a speech that ended with, "The villain is coming; it`s time to act!!!" A member of the audience yelled out, "I think so, too."
Speaking of actors, Arlene E. Jacobs offers: LIFE LESSONS FROM THE SOAPS
1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around forever.
2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should do both, often.
3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka.
4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard.
5. Pretend you're pregnant.
6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't convenient, fake your own death.
8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.
9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding! Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.
10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out.
11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking... or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.
12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you.
13. If you get fired, get drunk.
14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."
15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by the pool.
16. Randomly insult the people around you.
17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily sedated.
18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even better job at twice the salary.
19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of times.
20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean that you can't carpool to work with them.
21. Don't phone ahead. Assume the person you want to see is in, and just show up at the door.
22. Keep a portrait of your family next to the telephone.
23. Be sure to turn your back whenever speaking to anyone important to you and/or of something momentous.
On Lawyers and Politics
My Attorney is brilliant. He didn't bother graduating from law school. He settled out of class !!!
Only a lawyer could write documents with more than ten thousand words and call them briefs !!!
"Do you believe in capital punishment ???" "Only if it's not to severe !!!"
A Lawyer comes in handy when a felon needs a friend.
A man walks past a grave and reads the writing on the tombstone. It says, "Here lies an attorney and an honest man." The man muses, "How did they get two of them in one Grave ???"
One lawyer's client believed in reincarnation. In his will he left everything to himself !!!
The most important thing in a campaigning is sincerity, whether you mean it or not !
"Sir, if elected, what will you do about the prostitution bill ?" "I'll pay it !!!"
A political machine is a device invented by men who don't like to work !
You don't have to fool all of the people all of the time. During an election is just about often enough.
It was shortly before the election. Reporters seemed to be having trouble getting one candidate to give straight answerers to questions. Finally they corned him and demanded a straight response to any question, not necessarily even a political question. One reporter asked, "What is your favorite color ? You can give us a straight answer to that, can't you ?" The candidate said, "Certainly. My favorite color is plaid !"
Our candidate for Congress always puts his best foot forward -- as soon as he can get it out of his mouth !
Nowadays a politician is a guy who divides his time between running for office and running for cover.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five thousand, four hundred and forty six
- 14 White House aides to appear on the Sunday morning news shows denying that the bulb is burned out.
- 8 White House aides to blame the previous administration
- 4 Major news anchors to call the Republicans mean-spirited.
- 243 children to stand behind Clinton as he explains the impact of burned out bulbs on our children and how the mean-spirited Republicans want our children to grow up in darkness
- 1 first lady to say the changing the light bulb takes a village.
- 9 Hollywood stars to testify as experts because they played a movie role in which they changed light bulbs.
- 15 White House spin doctors to put the best light on it.
- 103 US Representatives to tell us that only Washington D.C. really knows how to change a light bulb.
- 1 President to tell us that he feels our darkness and has 18 new federal programs to prevent burned out light bulbs, and that he has vivid memories of black light bulbs burning out during his childhood in Arkansas.
- 42 cruise missiles to take the heat off the burned out bulb.
- 1 campaign advisor to recommend the use of red light bulbs.
- 1 Vice President to inform us of the environmental impact of changing a light bulb.
- 2 White House advisors to devise a tax on those who are unfairly able to change their own light bulbs.
- 1 Dead White House lawyer who can be blamed for anything that can't be pinned on the Republicans.
- 1 White House ghost who can retrieve the light bulb files that no one else knows anything about.
- 5,000 Bureaucrats to make sure that the bulb is changed correctly, doesn't offend anyone, doesn't impact the environment, doesn't unfairly benefit one group, doesn't harm anyone during the installation, and is up to 1945 specifications for light bulbs.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four hundred and seventy one:
- 12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb;
- 23 to deregulate the light bulb industry;
- 16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D;
- 34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs;
- 9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start buying more 110-volt bulbs;
- 53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb;
- 41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in the building with night-vision gear instead;
- And 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs, or screwing anything, on the Internet.
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001