GENERATION X OFFICE LINGO
Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible
Body Nazis - hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively
Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands
Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles
Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name
Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.
404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located -- Don't bother asking him, he's 404.
Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running
Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato
Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake
Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on
SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage
Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny
Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
Uninstalled - euphemism for being fired
Xerox subsidy - euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace
"The end justifies the means." Niccolo Machiavelli
Kids Humor
Kids sense of humor. Get ready to laugh. You just never know what they will come up with. Enjoy and pass it along. Questions about love and marriage were posed to kids ages 5 to 10.Their answers are enlightening:
*WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??*
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" (Tom, 5)
*WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??*
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)
*WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??*
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wdding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
*THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??*
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
*CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE*
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do ith how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
*ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE*
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
*ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE*
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
*CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS*
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
*CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE*
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
*THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER*
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
*SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU*
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
*HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?*
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire." (Christine, 9)
*WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"*
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
*HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS*
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
*WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?*
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
*HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE*
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)
THE BEARER IS A LIFETIME MEMBER IN GOOD STANDING IN THE SOCIETY OF CHILDLIKE GROWNUPS AND IS HEREBY ENTITLED TO:
Walk in the rain,
JUMP in mud puddles,
collect rainbows,
smell flowers,
Blow bubbles, ooOoOoO
stop along the way,
build sandcastles,
watch the moon and st*rs come out,
Say HELLO to everyone,
go barefoot,
go on adventures,
Sing in the shower,
Have a Merry heart ,
read children's books,
Act silly,
take bubble baths,
get new sneakers,
hold hands & hug & kiss,
dance,
Fly Kites,
laugh out loud and cry out loud,
wander around,
wonder (???) about stuff,
Feel SCARED & sad ;-( & MAD & Happy,
Give up worry & guilt & shame,
stay innocent,
say yes and no and the magic words,
ask lots of questions,
Ride bicycles,
draw and paint and color,
see things differently,
fall down and get up again,
Talk with animals,
look at the sky,
trust the universe,
STAY UP LATE,
Climb trees,
take naps,
do nothing,
daydream,
Play with toys,
Buy fast food toys.. (happy meals!!) play under the covers,
have pillow fights,
learn new stuff,
get excited about EVERYTHING,
be a clown,
listen to music,
find out how things work,
Make up new rules,
tell stories,
save the world,
make friends,
and do anything that brings more:
happiness, celebration, relaxation,
communication, health, love, joy,
creativity, pleasure, abundance,
grace, self-esteem, courage,
balance, spontaneity, passion, peace, beauty, and
life energy to all humans and beings of this planet.
FURTHERMORE, the above named member is officially authorized to
frequent amusement parks, beaches, meadows, mountaintops, swimming
pools, forests, playgrounds, picnic areas, summer areas, summer camps,
birthday parties, happy meal purchasers (great toys!!), circuses,
bakeries, ice cream parlors, theaters, aquariums, zoos, museums,
planetariums, toy stores, festivals and other places where children of
all ages gather to play AND is encouraged to always remember the motto of
THE SOCIETY OF CHILDLIKE GROWNUPS:IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD,AND TO MAKE SURE THAT OTHERS DO TOO!
Bad Ads
- 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
- Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
- Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
- Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
- Illiterate? Write today for free help.
- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
- Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
- Man, honest. Will take anything.
- Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
- Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
- Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
- A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine foods expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
EMO PHILLIPS WORDS OF WISDOM
I'll always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!" -- Emo Phillips
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." -- Emo Phillips
The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil. -- Emo Phillips
I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse." -- Emo Phillips
I'm a great lover, I'll bet. -- Emo Phillips
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" -- Emo Phillips
People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce. -- Emo Phillips
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy -- Emo Phillips
I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet. -- Emo Phillips
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?" -- Emo Phillips
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists. -- Emo Phillips
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them. -- Emo Phillips
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way." -- Emo Phillips
Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks. -- Emo Phillips
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So said, "Get off me, you two!" -- Emo Phillips
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.-- Emo Phillips
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. -- Emo Phillips
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference." -- Emo Phillips
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it forfive hours before I realized it had a scratch on it. -- Emo Phillips
You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back. -- Emo Phillips
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001