1940: A farmer sells 1 sack of potatoes for $2
2 sacks for $4
3 for $6
4 x 2 = $8
5 x 2 = $10 ...
How much would the farmer receive for 9 sacks? (show all arithmetic work)
How much would the farmer receive for 3.5 sacks at $2.75 per sack?
How much would the farmer receive for 4.2 sacks at $3.02 per sack?
How much would the farmer receive for 7.67 sacks at $5.98 per sack?
1950: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for $2. The cost of producing it is 4/5 of the price. What is the profit?
1960: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for $2. The cost of producing it is $1.60. Please figure out the profit.
1970: A farmer sells a set of potatoes (A) for a set of money (B). B is the set of all parts of B for which is: B is a dime. In the dash-set, you have to for the set of B, do (////////////////////) twenty small dashes, one for each dime. The set of the cost of producing (C) is sixteen (////////////////) small dashes. Draw the set of C as a part set of the set B and give the resulting set (D) which gives the answer for the question: What size has the profit set?
1980: A farm person sells a sack of potatoes for $2. The cost of producing is 4/5 thereof, which is $1.60. The profit is 1/5, equal to $0.40.
Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss it with your math study group.
1990: A farmer can produce a sack of potatoes at a cost of $2.
These potatoes can not be exported due to foreign trade barriers and New World Order global policy. But, the US Government will buy them for $1.60 at taxpayers expense and ship them to any country that is at war with itself and/or its neighbor.
How many potatoes will this farmer have to fry at MacDonalds in order to qualify this as a career move after retraining at the government's expense?
Multiple choice:
a). is that a LARGE fries?
b). this answer will be considered a correct answer by all who have been deprived of the background experiences necessary to know the difference between growing potatoes and frying potatoes.
c). would ye lik somthin' to drink with that?
d). there are insufficient facts to derive more than a theoretical exegesis of the presently evolving social structure.
e). is that fer here or ta go?
2000: A US farmer can produce a sack of potatoes at a cost of 2000 yen......
15. Apple's stock fell only 25% last week.
14. Bill Gates's birthday now a paid holiday for Apple employees.
13. Default Mac startup sound changed to "Taps."
12. Wall Street brokers have stopped using Apple stock certificates as toilet paper.
11. Apple's new slogan: "Almost as good as Windows!"
10. Apple has been bent over with its pants dropped for so long now, even a geek like Bill Gates was bound to get lucky.
9. Cute rainbow-colored apple now inhabited by cute rainbow-colored worm.
8. Microsoft comes out with an operating system incorporating Mac technology... uh, wait a minute...
7. Phone and utilities mysteriously start working again at Apple's corporate HQ.
6. Steve Jobs seen tending bar at the Gates' private lawn party.
5. Diners in Microsoft's staff cafeteria can now enjoy their apple pie purely for its wholesome goodness and no longer as a symbolic act of global domination.
4. Unsold Newton's used as cobblestones in Gates's driveway.
3. Apple Employee of the Month gets to hunt loose change at Bill's house.
2. New Apple employee dress code includes large "Property of B. Gates" tattoo on ass.
and the Number 1 Sign That Microsoft Owns Part of Apple...
1. Bill Gates still burned in effigy, but upper management no longer attends.
Meet the Tate Family
You may have heard of the Tate Family. Members of this family attend every group.
There is Dic Tate who wants to run everything.
Ro Tate tries to change things ---whether they need it or not.
Agi Tate stirs up trouble whenever possible.
She gets a helping hand from her brother, Irri Tate.
Devas Tate loves to interrupt whatever is happening. And Poten Tate wants to be the big shot.
When new ideas are suggested, Hesi Tate and Vegi Tate are quick to say why they will not possibly work.
Imi Tate would rather copy others than try something new. Thank goodness the Tate family also has Facili Tate, Cogi Tate and Medi Tate. They are willing to pray, think, and plan. They get everyone pulling together.
Which member of the Tate family are you?
Farmer Joe
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened.
I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her then he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
Farmer at the Fair
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost."$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
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A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO . It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!"the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction!
And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!
Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
A STORY OF CREATION AND THE FLOOD
CREATION
In the beginning there was absolutely nothing at all. Not even a formless void, seriously nothing. And God said 'This is bloody marvelous.'
Then in a careless moment he created something that was not nothing and the whole of the universe suddenly sprang out of it. Light, darkness, time, space, a vault of stars, heaven, earth, seed-bearing plants, water and air teeming with living creatures and all manner of creeping things that inhabit the earth. And God said, 'Whoops.'
Then amongst the many creeping things on the earth he noticed a man and a woman who were not entirely unlike himself and he said unto them. 'It is not good for you to be alone and certainly not good that you have no computing power. I give to you each a perfect PC, engineered to the highest standards and absolutely crash resistant. The operating system is entirely intuitional and upgrades itself to your own personal needs on the fly. It consumes no power and will serve you for your entire life, which of course in Eden is a bloody long time.' And Adam and Eve said, 'That's jolly decent of you.'
Now both of them were naked but they felt no shame in front of each other.The serpent was the most subtle of all the wild beasts that God had made. It asked the woman, 'Did God really say you must not under any circumstances take the back off your PC?' The woman answered, 'We may take the back off any of the appliances in the Garden and generally tinker with any interesting technology but of the PC God said "You must not take the back off it, nor even consider taking the screws out and having a peek inside, under pain of death."'
Then the serpent said to the woman, 'No! you will not die! God knows in fact that on the day you open up the case your eyes will be opened and you will be like gods knowing good and evil.' The woman saw that the PC was extremely clever and pleasing to the eye, and that it was desirable for the knowledge that it could give. So she took the back off it and looked inside and she showed it to Adam who was with her and he looked inside also. Then the eyes of both of them were opened and they realized that they were naked. So they sewed fig leaves together to make themselves loin-clothes but not before they had dug out their Polaroid camera.Adam and Eve heard the sound of God walking in the garden and they hid from him because they were naked. God said 'How did you know you were naked? Have you tinkered with things you should not have?' And Adam said, 'It was Eve, not me, honest. She took the back off and I had a brief look inside.' And Eve said, 'It wasn't my fault, the serpent tempted me and I looked.'
Then God said to the serpent, 'Because you have done this, be accursed beyond all corporate managers. You shall be the managing director of a world software monopoly and be despised by all creatures. I will make you enemies of each other, you and the woman, your offspring and her offspring. She will crush your head and you will strike her heel.'
To the woman he said, 'I will multiply your pains in computing, you will from now on have to use IBM compatible machines. You will have to learn in pain the horrors of interrupts, conflicts, shortage of memory, dip switches,inexplicable crashes, parity errors, the RS232 standard, mountains of jargon and programs engineered to work more slowly so that you have to buy a faster machine for no net gain!'
And to the man he said, 'Accursed be the whole field of computing for you. Every day you will have to take the back off your machine. Each part of your system will be driven by a separate daughter board each one conflicting with the next. There will be no support for anything because the standard you buy into will be obsolete on the day your check is cashed! You will become obsessed with upgrades and 'faster' will become your new god. You will spend more time with your PC than with Eve and she will become majorly pissed off.'
And so God expelled Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. He banished them and in front of the garden he posted two mighty bouncers, and set in the gateway a massive Apple through which no mortal could pass.
Then Eve gave birth to a surprising number of children. And inexplicably without the hint of incest the world was populated with computer engineers, systems analyists information technologists and PC magazine editors.
THE FLOOD
God saw that the wickedness of man was great and that the thoughts of his heart fashioned nothing but wickedness all day long. God regretted again having created everything and resolved to do something about it. And he said, 'I will destroy everything, all birds of the air and fish that make their way through the waters, all creeping things which I never liked anyway and all men and women who have become corrupt. I will send a mighty flood, a deluge that will engulf the whole world. A seductive operating system that will promise everything but which delivers nothing! A program that will enslave and destroy the world.'
However one or two people had found favor with God. He looked at the earth and saw that a few men and women had never ever taken the backs off their computers! In fact they never thought about why they should, for their machines worked faultlessly, never crashed and never needed pointless upgrades.
And God said, 'That rings a bell.'Hurriedly returning to the Garden he found a distinct lack of personnel on the gate, no Apple and absolutely no PCs inside.... So while the flood wreaked havoc over the face of the globe just a few climbed aboard the ark clutching the fruits of Eden!
And then, realizing he had been a bit harsh God said, 'Never again shall I curse the earth, its wildfowl, its fish nor its seed-bearing plants . You may freely use the machines made in the Garden and as a sign of this new covenant I will mark each one with a rainbow in the shape of an apple.'
And Lo, after the flood had receded the travelers on the ark inhabited a new country and enjoyed a land flowing with rivers. Especially happy were the two very large gentlemen who became exceedingly rich and especially unhappy were the horrible creeping things which inhabited the earth, they were totally obliterated.
Here endeth the first lesson.
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001