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Thanks
to Ken Hayden
NEW
VIRUS: WORK
There is a new virus going around called WORK. If you receive any sort of WORK,
whether via e-mail, Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague, do not
open it. Those who have opened WORK have found that their social life is deleted
and their brain ceases to function properly.
If
you do encounter WORK via e-mail or are faced with any WORK at all, purge the
virus by sending an e-mail to your boss with the words 'This is too much for me,
I'm going out for a soda. This better not be here when I get back. 'Your brain
should automatically delete the WORK. If you receive WORK in paper document
form, simply lift the document and drag the WORK to your trashcan.
Send this message to all your friends in your address
book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then the WORK virus has
already corrupted your life!
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo
Project, they did some astronaut
training on a Navajo Indian Reservation in Arizona. One day, a Navajo
Elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The
old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated.
"What are these guys in the big
suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were
practicing for their trip to the Moon.
The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message
to the Moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for
the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man
recorded his message they asked the son to translate it. He refused.
So, the NASA reps brought the tape to
the reservation where the rest of
the tribe listened and laughed but
refused to translate the Elder's message to any people on the Moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an
official government translator. He
reported that the Moon message said, "Watch
out for these bastards, they have come to steal your land."
Al Jazeera TV Guide
All Shows brought
to you by Texaco..."You can trust your Suburban to the man
who wears the turban!"
SUNDAY:
0800 - My 33 Sons
0830 - Osama Knows Best
0900 - I Dream of Mohammed
0930 - Let's Mecca Deal
1000 - The Kabul Hillbillies
MONDAY:
0800 - Husseinfeld
0900 - Mad About Everything
0930 - Monday Night Stoning
1000 - Win Bin Laden's Money
1030 - Allah McBeal
TUESDAY:
0800 - Wheel of Terror
0830 - The Price is Right if Osama Says
it's Right
0900 - Children are Forbidden from
Saying the Darndest Things
0930 - Taliban's Wackiest Public
Execution Bloopers
WEDNESDAY:
0800 - Tales from the Koran
0830 - When Kurds Attack
0900 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
0930 - Just Shoot Everyone
1000 - Veilwatch
1100 - This Old Cave
THURSDAY:
0800 - Fatima Loves Chachi
0830 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
0900 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long,
Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
0930 - Married with 139 Children
1000 - Eye for an Eye Witness News
FRIDAY:
0800 - Spongebob Squareturban
0830 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
0900 - Teletalibans
1000 - Camel 54, Where Are You?
1100 - My Favorite Kalashnikov
1200 - Beat The Press
SATURDAY:
0800 - Judge Jihad
0830 - Suddenly Sanctions
0900 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist
Millionaire?
0930 - Cave and Garden Television
1000 - No-Witness News
Subject:
Nutrition and health
For those of you who watch what you
eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to
know the truth after all those conflicting medical
studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans
eat a lot of fat and also suffer
fewer heart attacks that the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red
wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts
of red wine and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
5.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages
and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you
like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.
Bathroom
humor
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm
not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms
at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"
And
the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"
What
kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"
At
this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when
I hear another question.
Can
I come over to your place after while?
Ok,
this question is just wacky but i figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation. I
tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
Then
I hear the guy say nervously...
"LISTEN!!!
I'll have to call you back, there's
an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"
Inspection
Teams - Right on!!!
Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams in Iraq? They were all men!
How
in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash?
We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For
crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the
jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor....
and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden
weapons of mass destruction?
I
keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out
secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin
bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters.
They
can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid
of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been
shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before
you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block
away.
By
examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes.
And if a mother wants an answer to a question, she can read an offender's eyes
quicker than a homicide detective.
So...
considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why did we
send a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out
hidden threats?
My
mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the
ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of
mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her.
She'd
march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a
nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?"
Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom
with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd
not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in
Baghdad for free all summer.
Inspectors
--. You want the job done? Call my mother.
Author Unknown.