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Thanks to Dave Lankford
Everyone
has been guilty of looking at another's age and thinking, "Surely I cannot
look that old." I'm sure you've done the same. If so, you may enjoy this
short story.
While
waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I
noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a
tall boy with the same name had been in my high school class over 35 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This
balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my
classmate.
After
he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes,"
he replied.
"When
did you graduate?" I asked.
He
answered, "In 1967."
"Why,
you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He
looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
Subject:
Darwin Award Candidates!!!
True Screw-ups of the Year
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a
holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something
that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger
again. This time it worked.
****************************************************
After
stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20
mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had
escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby
bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the
passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3
days.
**********************************************************
A
mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her in examination
to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor
about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned
red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl
and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor
faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and
screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to
me?"
"Yes,
of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this
happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came and I was hoping
that they would show up again."
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are
right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a
woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE
MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside
out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO
AHEAD
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.
GO
AHEAD
(With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting
upset over NOTHING and end up with the word "Fine"
GO
AHEAD
(Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want
LOUD
SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
SOFT
SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean
THAT'S
OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
PLEASE
DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
THANKS
A
woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome."
THANKS
A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It
signifies that you have
offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud
Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh,"
as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!
BAPTISTISM
John
Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the
first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went
on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got
together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting
them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They
decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to
him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a
Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him,
and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you
are a Catholic. " The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten
temptation was resolved.
The
next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just
at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish
dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men
could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and
decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first
Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his
grill with a small pitcher of water.
He
was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were
born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
INTERNET HISTORY:
In
ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did
take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely
woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot
Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from
town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy
tent?"
And
Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel
load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And
Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to
send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you
which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery
made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham
thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums
rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the
top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But
this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside
Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to
Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were
called: Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And
lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound
of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker,
one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And
indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates'
drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot
did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came
to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we
are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO",
said Abraham.
And
that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.